If my falling apart is this major, then the coming together must be going to be pretty awesome. Lately, everything I attempt to do fails miserably. I'm not medically fit to do anything useful. I'm even stumbling to write this post and relying on autocorrect and spell check to fix my many errors.
Most of the people around me don't understand at all what I'm going through because they can't visibly see my pain, nor can they feel it. To them, if I say I'll do something, they assume I'm capable (I'm not. I'm lying to myself and everyone around me about that). But if I refuse because of how I feel, then I'm being difficult. At this point, anything I do hurts me, due to a medical condition I can no longer control.
People say they understand. But their actions show they don't. Everyone is glad to offer up words about how they feel bad. But then when I really need help, instead I get asked to do more and everyone dumps their problems and worries on top of me, which adds to my already worsening issues, both physical and emotional.
Things are extremely rough for my family right now. But instead of true love and support, people mainly want to offer so-called kind words and then dump on more things for us to stress about directly afterward. We literally cannot handle anymore right now.
It's hard enough just having four of us eight be a part of the LGBTQ community. That in itself is stressful for multiple reasons, such as harassment, fear of harassment, knowing some people don't or won't support us just because of who we are, at times not even truly being able to be our full selves, and so on. Many of the people we know don't even know who we really are.
Having a medical condition and a large family to raise on top of that is very taxing at times. I can do it and so can my beautiful partner. Her and I work extremely well together. Our relationship is not now, nor has it ever been, an issue. It's always everything else. We're actually happy with each other and even when the stress is high, we still work together and love and laugh.
The issue for me is that everything else seems to always fall apart, no matter how good the intentions. But looking back on things and observing others, I remember the inspiration for my name: the rainbow. After every storm comes a rainbow. In part, I may just be my own rainbow for some situations. Perhaps that is the purpose of my name.
From now on, I'm going to focus on that rainbow and let things fall where they may. Everything happens for a reason and if our storm is this bad, our rainbow must be a humongously awesome one.
No matter your storm, I know your rainbow will also come.