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Broken People Need Love, Not Your Definition of Fixing

12/1/2014

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by Lyn Lomasi, Write W.A.V.E. Media Staff
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I’ve always been a people watcher. An observer. Over the years, I’ve noticed somewhat of a pattern among many people. Whenever someone seems to “broken,” there’s always another who comes along and tries to fix that person. In most of those experiences, while the other person is genuine, it doesn’t always work. In fact, most of the time, it doesn’t. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not because the ideas are bad or wrong, but because what broken people truly need is love. The rest is up to them.

What? They’re Broken Because They Can’t Fix Themselves, Right?

Yes and no. Just because someone is currently having issues, it doesn’t mean they don’t have the ability to fix them. It’s possible they aren’t ready or haven’t fully embraced the issue yet. Perhaps they are working on the problem and it just isn’t obvious to others. Maybe they don’t want it to be.

People need to have space to resolve their own issues when the time is right for them, not when it’s right for others. Also, remember that what you perceive as a problem may not be as big of a deal to someone else.

How Can I Be Sure a Broken Person Fixes Themselves?

You can’t. And you shouldn’t. You can, of course make simple suggestions. However, it’s not okay to act like a person’s well-being is in your hands -- that they must do what you say in order to be “fixed” in other people’s eyes. The surest way to help a broken person fix themselves is to love them, be there for them, and give them space to figure it out themselves. In my observances of other people, those who better themselves generally do so on their own.

Those who try to be what someone else thinks is ideal and/or on that other person’s time end up failing at it. This is because a person has to be able to decide with their own heart and mind what to do and when to do it. If their heart isn’t into it, most of the time, any solution will fail.

A Good Friend or Confidant Can’t Just Do Nothing, Right?

This is both true and untrue. You’re not doing “nothing” by providing love and support. After all, love is the most important thing needed to mend a broken heart or spirit. A good friend or confidant may also make suggestions. But be careful not to push a broken person too hard or make it seem like you have the only answer.

There is more than one way to do something. Respect your loved one’s decision-making process, while being there when that person needs you. Love will go a much longer way and help keep your loved one happy while going through a hard time. Unless you’re a professional in the field the person needs help with -- and they’ve asked for your help -- it’s generally best to simply love and support them in their personal journey.

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Is it Right to Focus On Where You Agree With Others, Rather Than Where You Disagree?

11/29/2014

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by  R.A. Rowell; Co-Owner of Intent-sive Nature & the Brand Shamans network
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Recently, a friend of mine offered up a very interesting idea about human relationships. He said we should focus on where we agree with others, rather than where we disagree. Obviously, this is a very good concept to think about. It should be the basis of any good diplomacy and at the heart of maintaining any relationship, whether it's platonic, professional, romantic or otherwise.

It's important to be diplomatic with people, especially nowadays when drama and conflict are abound in everyday life. Sometimes it seems that said conflicts can emerge out of simple misunderstandings. These add an unnecessary negative sort of "excitement" to our lives. People will argue over some of the most trivial things. This is often because we spend a lot more time focusing on one another's differences than our similarities. Much of the time we don't even catch ourselves doing it, which is a problem.


Finding Common Ground

I have always found that the best thing to do when trying to start any sort of relationship is to find something in common. It doesn't matter how small that thing might be. In any sort of diplomatic situation, you have to find common ground. So starting off a relationship on the right foot has to always be about finding common threads. It's surprising how one or two common threads can lead to weaving a tapestry far more intricate than you may have imagined at first meeting.

Unfortunately, too many people tend to stay within certain boundaries. There seem to be more social boundaries now than ever and cliques are forming at an exponential rate. But even among them, there are splinter groups that get into loud and often ugly conflicts with one another. How has this happened? It turns out that focusing on where you ONLY agree and not paying attention to where you disagree is in fact the root of the problem.


What Does it Really Mean for People to Be Compatible?

We hear all this talk about compatibility factors and looking to the stars for answers in both our platonic and romantic lives. But there are only two compatibility factors that matter to me. One is how well you focus on similarities with your friends and partners. The other is how well you cope or learn to "agree to disagree" about your differences with them.

But, I'm not sure "agree to disagree" is always the best policy, either. You need to understand the roots of certain differences. Otherwise, these can lead to some ugly misunderstandings or major miscommunications later. You always want to understand the root causes of why people may think differently than you. Or, try to help others understand your perspective. If there isn't that connection of understanding, there will be trouble down the road. It will not be pleasant for either party, or those parties involved with those affected.


Shared Interests and Hobbies are Good, But They Can't Be Everything

We should have individually-based relationships that are built through mutual understanding and diplomatic agreement. Relationships should not be simply based only around specific activities or interests. In my personal experience, sometimes certain activities or interests are just no longer important to a person. Those people that related with that individual around just those things can suddenly drop away.

Emotional connections should not be based solely around hobbies or interests. It's especially true with those that may not realistically be life-long endeavors. Unfortunately, many people have many friends that they have only because of these activities. If they have some need to move away or those activities are no longer possible, those people can find themselves incredibly lonely. No one wants that, especially as someone who has experienced just that.


Don't Let People Make Arbitrary Judgments For You

While I could go on about how certain groups will assign labels to their cliques or affiliations, this is not really what I'm trying to get at. In fact, I'm trying to promote the exact opposite. We should NOT affiliate ourselves based on arbitrary decisions made by groups.

I believe in our lives that we should build connections based around values and experiences rather than things based in the moment. While we can share memories and activities, we need to have deeper connections than this. Human beings cannot simply plug and unplug the way that you might a game system or a computer. Once connections are broken at times, there is a definite sense of loss.


Spheres of Influence Are Often Completely Out of Your Control, So Don't Let Them Control You

But of course, that loss is always worse for those people on the edge of those spheres of influence that they once belonged to. In there lies the problem that I see with many social groups today. There are spheres of influences that try to steal away individualism for the sake of imagined unity.

Then,  whenever there is a split within those spheres of influences, there are a lot of people that end up disappearing completely from the scene. These fractured relationships are usually over stupid little arguments or trivial things. I've lost far too many acquaintances in that way, and a few good friends, as well. Sometimes, I don't even know how I contributed to it. Most likely, I never did at all.

Because of the tensions and conflicts that can exist in many social groups, I have long tended to float around the outside of those spheres. This is why I prefer one-on-one communication far more than being in any sort of group. I just want to be me and I don't want to conform to anything that is expected from a sphere of influence.

Especially these days, once people enter certain spheres they find themselves limited by simply what binds them together. Say for example, you got together with a group of people to watch a particular TV show. Say that show is cancelled and suddenly, you find that your so-called group of friends starts bickering over what show to watch now.

Now you can see how even when people find things in common, it's not the be-all end-all. You have to always find connections BEYOND what brings you together. Otherwise, you will only end up with disagreement, sometimes disagreements that cannot be overcome.


If You Agree to Disagree, Then Understand Why

Yes, you do need to focus on where you agree with others but you ALSO have to focus on where you disagree as well. You need to deal with the more uncomfortable things that can become major points of contention and conflict later. Otherwise, you'll find that your relationships will suffer badly from that lack of understanding as time goes on.

But people hate to be pushed outside of their comfort zones. This is especially true with how easy it is to distract one another with entertainment and the countless other hobbies that people gravitate towards. Human beings require emotional attachments beyond those sorts of things, however. They need to be activities that can be done anywhere. Things that can create stronger connections include causes, shared tasks, and common life goals.

The stronger a connection that you build with someone, the better chance that you will have of overcoming disagreements. So it's not simply enough to "agree to disagree" with people if you want to have truly lasting relationships. All you will end up with is awkwardness or a painful disassociation that could avoided with a simple conversation. A little awkwardness now will go a long way towards having a much more successful and happy relationship later.

I would urge everyone to see all that you have in common with those that you know and embrace and nurture those connections. However, also I urge everyone to recognize and try to negotiate with the differences that you see in those associate with. Try to be diplomatic and come to a better understanding of perspectives and experiences. You may find that both parties will take away a positive, educational experience from these conversations. You can't ever have nothing but positive without making sure that the negative does not build out of control.

Nowadays, there is much negative energy abound that you must be sure that you do not fall victim to it. Always keep a positive outlook but never avoid situations that may be uncomfortable due to disagreement. In resolving these disagreements, you may find some of the best true friends you could have hoped to find.
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    Lyn Lomasi & Richard Rowell  are life & business partners. Owners of the Brand Shamans network, we are your brand healing, soul healing, marketing & content superheroes to the rescue!

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