Being truly independent has long been a goal of mine. As I write this, that goal has still not yet come to pass. I’ve come pretty far in my thirty years on this earth. But, I'm not as far as I would've liked by now. Sure, human beings are social creatures, and we are all connected. We all need a little help from time to time, right?
I don’t know that it’s truly possible for me to be 100 percent self-reliant. I’ve always felt that it isn’t possible for me. Why I do think this way? Is it an inferiority complex? Is it that I lack the necessary skills to do so?
Clearly, I'm not where I want to be at this point in my life. And that’s frustrating. But it’s also not the end of the world. I still have a lot of growing to do. We all do. People can never truly stop growing, most especially in the mental, emotional, and spiritual senses.
I need to be able to wake up in the morning and say, I’m good enough. I can do anything I set my mind to. This sounds fluffy but I really often don’t feel good enough. Still, I don’t want to just be “good enough.” Sure, I might technically survive on my own. With my amazing partner, who helps me so much every day, I may never have to. But the whole worst case “what if” scenarios come up all too often in my head.
What I really am aiming to do with trying to be self-reliant is that I’m able to consistently make my own decisions. I need to consistently pick myself up. And sometimes I do. Many times I sort of drift through the day. I really only find focus in writing. Otherwise, I wander aimlessly.
But as J.R.R. Tolkien once famously said, not all who wander are lost… I simply want to feel like I am good enough to be my own whole person. And many days, I don’t. I think at our cores many of us feel there are bits missing that we need someone to compensate for. And I think most of us find a way to compensate for our failings.
But that’s not enough for me. To be the person I really want to be, I need to be able to wake up in the morning and tell myself, “I can do this, no matter what it takes.”
That’s the kind of self-reliant I want to be!
~ Phoenix <3